Are you ready to take your marriage from mediocre to magnetic? Even if you don’t feel like your marriage is suffering, Tony believes that there is always room for improvement and there is no time like the present. Tony and his friend, podcast host (Next Level Life), life coach, and Magnetic Marriage course co-creator Preston Pugmire, talk about what they’ve learned after completing the first round of their highly-anticipated Magnetic Marriage course (which initially sold out in less than 24 hours) as they prepare for the launch of round two. You can sign up now to get in the queue for round 2 by heading to http://tonyoverbay.com/magentic. The course is scheduled to open for sign-ups in the third week of April. In today’s episode, they cover the 4 Pillars of a Connected Conversation as well as how accountability plays a major role in a more connected relationship.Please subscribe to The Virtual Couch YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/c/TheVirtualCouchPodcast/ and follow The Virtual Couch on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/virtualcouch/
Tony's FREE parenting course, “Tips For Parenting Positively Even In the Not So Positive Times” is available NOW. Just go to https://www.tonyoverbay.com/courses-2/ and sign up today. This course will help you understand why it can be so difficult to communicate with and understand your children. You’ll learn how to keep your buttons hidden, how to genuinely give praise that will truly build inner wealth in your child, teen, or even in your adult children, and you’ll learn how to move from being “the punisher” to being someone your children will want to go to when they need help.
Tony's new best-selling book "He's a Porn Addict...Now What? An Expert and a Former Addict Answer Your Questions" is now available on Kindle. https://amzn.to/38mauBo
Tony Overbay, is the co-author of "He's a Porn Addict...Now What? An Expert and a Former Addict Answer Your Questions" now available on Amazon https://amzn.to/33fk0U4. The book debuted in the number 1 spot in the Sexual Health Recovery category and remains there as the time of this record. The book has received numerous positive reviews from professionals in the mental health and recovery fields.
You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program The Path Back by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs, and podcasts.
Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript click here https://descript.com?lmref=v95myQ
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EP 255 Marriage Course part 1 of 3 -2021-03-30
[00:00:00] Coming up on today's episode of The Virtual Couch, I have my friend and cocreator of the magnetic marriage course, Preston Pommier, joining me for Episode one of a three part series recap in the first round of the magnetic marriage course. And as we prepare to open up the registration on the second round of the course in late April, we wanted to give you a rundown on how things went in the course. We're going to talk about experiences from the magnetic marriage course, things we've learned about creating and running a marriage course. And in this episode in particular, we're going to spend some time once again talking about the four pillars of a connected conversation, which is truly, truly, in my opinion, the fundamentals of the course and how it creates a more magnetic marriage. And we're also going to spend some time talking at the end of this episode about the role of accountability and relationships. That and so much more coming up on today's episode of The Virtual Couch.
[00:00:56] Hey, everybody, welcome to Episode two.
[00:00:58] Fifty five of the virtual couch, I am your host, Tony Overbay, I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified lab coach, writer, speaker, husband, father of four, ultramarathon runner and creator of the Path Back Online Pornography Recovery Program that is helping people reclaim their lives from the harmful effects of turning to pornography as a coping mechanism. If you are anybody that you know is trying to put pornography behind you once and for all, and trust me, it can be done in a strength based hold the shame, become the person you always wanted to be way, then head over to Pathbackrecovery.com and there you'll find out more information about how to do this. I'm talking more and more about these Wednesday night group calls, which have been phenomenal, where we have a lot of people that are coming together, sharing some stories, successes, victories, and I open it up to questions and answers each and every week. So if you want more information on that, you you get it as part of the course taking the pathbackrecovery.com or the path that course. But also you can contact me through the Pathbackrecovery.com website or through the Tony Overbay dot com website, and I will give you more information about that. But there every week on Wednesdays and you can follow me on Instagram or at Richwood, virtual couch, Facebook, YouTube. And quickly, speaking of emails, I really wanted to talk about this real briefly.
[00:02:08] I get a lot of emails. I really do. And I read each and every one that I that I get. And I do my absolute best at the very least to reply and think somebody for sending me an email. A lot of the people are looking for advice or free therapy. And that's the part that is really difficult because I wish I could provide that to everyone. I truly do. And I only mention this because I got a really interesting email just yesterday in the subject line. The person called me, not a very nice name right there in the subject line. I'm kind of surprised that my spam filter didn't grab that. But the reason I wanted to talk about it is the person said that I needed to take the contact section of my website, that I was dismissive of, that I ignored the person. And I know you'll see where I'm going here in a minute, but I know that a lot of people would say, well, excuse me, you don't even you don't even talk about this. You know, you shouldn't give any any what energy to people that are sending you the negative comments, because I really don't get a lot of negative comments, which I'm grateful for. I get a lot of feedback, but not a lot of negative comments. But I wanted to frame this. I wanted to bring this up because it truly does break my heart when somebody feels the need that they have to call call me something really bad in the subject line, because I know that that means that they're going through a lot.
[00:03:20] And so I sent a quick reply. I said that I was sorry that the person was so upset, but that I checked through my emails. I didn't see anything from this particular sender. But what I thought was interesting is while I do have just such a tremendous amount of empathy for somebody that is in this position, I kind of turn to my very own four pillars that could have helped a great deal in this situation. Pillar one is assuming good intentions. So in this case, me not getting back to someone would I would hope that someone would assume that I didn't maniacally decide not to reply, that there must have been a reason why. Pillar two with me saying he's sorry, I truly didn't get the email that you're talking about. I really do try to get back to everyone, at least say, hey, thanks for writing me. I wish I could help more. If there is a quick resource I can point them to, I like I try to do that. But so with pillar two is the person and doesn't help to put off the message of well I don't buy that. I don't believe you. And because what do I say to that. OK, well I can't manufacture something that I didn't receive or I never ran across pillar three.
[00:04:19] If they so choose for me to ask questions before making comments. These were pretty negative comments truly and I swear word in the subject matter and pillar four would be the person staying present, not going into the bunker, not toss them more insults, maybe even taking some accountability, which we'll talk about on the episode today, that perhaps their response was maybe a bit harsh. And I don't say this to criticize the person because honestly, I don't know what the person was initially writing about, but I'm sure it was something big that's going on in that person's life. So none of this is meant to say how dare they do this? But just I wanted to bring this up because this is why I feel so passionate about these four pillars of a connected conversation that that I talk a lot about on my podcast. But again, I don't say this to be harsh because I can do the same thing. I could go pillar one, assume good intentions, meaning that if they felt that they had to call me what they did, that they must truly be frustrated that if their first response to me instead of saying, hey, just following up to see if you received my previous message, which is honestly what I get on occasion from people, that if I didn't get a chance to get back to them, but instead for them to say, hey, asshole, you didn't respond, then they must feel frustrated or they must feel like that is the only way they feel heard.
[00:05:26] So again, I have a tremendous amount of empathy. Then me going into pillar two, I can't put across the message that I don't believe them or that they're wrong and I don't. I can. I feel that frustration. Pillar three I did reply asking questions. Hey, what was the original email about? Because I really do want to I do want to know and therefore I'm not going to go into victim mode and say, oh, I guess I'm just a terrible human being and I might as well give up the whole therapy and podcasting thing, which is part of what they had suggested in their email. So it's unfortunate that people that are going through so much that they feel the need to react or. In this type of manner, but I did think it was pretty interesting to get something like that, just as I was putting together this intro for this episode today where Christine and I are, in fact, going to talk about these four pillars of a connected conversation. So, again, none of that was meant to call out the person, but more to say, I couldn't remember the cliche. Is it that you get more flies with honey than something else? I get really bad about the cliches at times, but I just felt it was one of these examples where it broke my heart and it certainly did get my attention.
[00:06:26] I don't I don't think I really ever get called that name, at least not to my face or something that I can read. So that breaks my heart. But I really feel like there's there's just these four pillars of a connected conversation can even work when it comes to email. Somebody sends you an email that's just you feel like they're blasting you. I mean, I have to assume the good intentions that that can be hard calling that good intentions. But what I mean by that is that if that person feels like that's the only way that they're going to be heard, then bless their heart. That would be a really difficult way to go through life. And that really does cause me to feel a tremendous amount of empathy for them. And I can't say, hey, you can't do that. And but there's also a part of this that I that I can talk about, which would be have done episodes on differentiation of where, hey, I know I'm not a horrible person that's trying to do people wrong. And so, again, it doesn't do me any good to get my dander up or get really frustrated. And I'm not again, it breaks my heart that somebody feels like that's the way that they have to present themselves in order to be heard.
[00:07:23] But I thought that was just a good example to lead into what we're going to talk about today. So let's get to this episode. Preston Buckmeier, podcast, host of Next Level Life, cocreator of the Magnetic Marriage Course, joins me in both audio and video. Again, if you haven't subscribe to the YouTube channel, that would be great to talk about our first round of the magnetic marriage course. One round is in the books, and it really was phenomenal is everything that I hoped it would be. And we talk about the way we talk about the course. We talk about that first round. And yes, of course, I want you all to take the course. I feel like this is something that is it's everything that I want it to be, especially now that we have one round under under our under our belt, in our belt, under our belt. There's a belt involved somewhere there, but we're open up the cart, the window, etc. to the next round and you can go there right now, the Tony Overbay dotcoms magnetic and find out more about the course and when the cart opens, what to do next. So go there now. Go and sign up. Come back and listen. And super quick, I am coming to Salt Lake City to speak at a mental health conference on Monday, May 3rd. And the topic just to anybody that's curious is faith, crisis and mental health, which is something I love talking about.
[00:08:26] I'll be talking about fouler stages of faith and truth, beauty and goodness and and how to communicate with people that are that are going through a faith transition crisis, that sort of thing. And the Sunday before, I believe, on May 2nd, I will most likely be speaking somewhere in that Salt Lake Valley. Some more on that to come. If you're in that area, I would love to meet you on Sunday night. Wherever I end up speaking. The last thing I did, I think, before the pandemic was came into Salt Lake to speak at a podcast festival and I did a fireside on the Sunday night. It was so amazing to see so many people that at that time we didn't know what was coming next. I had a lot of plans to go on the road and do some more workshops and seminars and speaking somebody fun to get out there and do something like this, of course, all safe and socially distanced and that sort of thing. So if you want to hear more about that, go follow me on Instagram. I'll give you more info as the days get closer. So. All right, let's get to this is episode one of a three part series, one coming each week with my buddy Preston, with my buddy Preston Buckmeier, cocreator of The Magnetic Marriage Course.
[00:09:40] Come on in, take a seat on.
[00:09:45] Carl, did you get to see that look like a professional recording? OK, so I probably just went on and on about my amazing guest in the introduction, but reunited and it feels so good. Press and Buckmeier, welcome back to the virtual couch.
[00:10:01] Hey, brother, it's good to be here.
[00:10:02] How you doing?
[00:10:03] Very well. Very well. Excited about today.
[00:10:07] Me too. And we are going to talk about we have gone through our first what are we calling it, by the way, President? Can we address the word cohort?
[00:10:17] We're not first round. We've gone through our first. Yes, we've run our first just group of people that are now graduates of the magnetic marriage program.
[00:10:27] Yeah, yeah. And so we are getting ready to go through the second round, the second group. And I have been saying over and over the last few weeks, go to Tony Overbay, dot com slash magnetic and there you can sign up to be one of the first ones to to jump on board with our second group. And the waiting list is it's starting to grow, which is indicative, Preston, of the success of the first round it.
[00:10:50] And we had an amazing time with it. We had 12 couples come through and we saw some really, really just incredible things. It's a relatively short time frame, you know, six or seven weeks. And it's not like you're going to fix the marriage and all the problems. That's never even the goal, which we'll talk about later. But to have progress and to have a set of tools to to be set up with a foundation of how to move forward with the trajectory of your marriage and your relationship, that's the goal. And we've given everybody that and we've had some incredible experiences and incredible feedback from the people who have gone through the course already.
[00:11:30] We really have. And I'm curious and we're going to talk about a couple of things today where we're going to go through those four pillars of a connected conversation, which I really feel are our game changers. And we're going to talk about accountability, which was just that was an incredible exercise for me. And in the course, actually, Preston takes me through an accountability exercise about a topic that I have never talked about out in the wild. And it was literally life changing. So we can talk a little bit about accountability today as well. But first, I'm curious, was the course and I'm really not just trying to get you to say all these amazing, wonderful things, but was it what you had hoped it would be? Because when we started talking, what, nine months? Ten months ago. Yeah. Was it where you thought it would be? You put the courses together before?
[00:12:14] Yeah, I have. And this is something we've talked about on the podcast and everywhere like it is everything and more about what I wanted it to be, what you wanted it to be. I feel like we have created this amazing, amazing project and program where it's super, super beneficial. It's laid out in a very clear way with actionable steps that allow people to talk about things with guidelines and that allow people to feel heard in the relationship and allow people to look at things from a different perspective so that you can have a more connected, passionate, thriving what we call magnetic marriage. And so when you said initially when I was talking to you about this communication principles with within the relationship, I was like, is there a PDF or a script or some sort of worksheet that I could look at? And you sent me one and it was lacking, to say the least. And it's just because you hadn't. Had a need for it, everything that you had done had been just one on one. This is the coolest thing about this course is everything you had been doing was one on one in your office. And you are an expert at that. And I have been the beneficiary of that expertize. But there wasn't a like a structured way to take that and scale it to where you could influence multiple people at the same time. And what we have done, what you and I have done is taken your understanding, your experience, your brilliance, and been able to put it in a consumable framework for multiple people at the same time. And it's just been absolutely incredible.
[00:14:11] You were being very kind. And I wanted to say and we're going to talk about the four pillars, but what I got to week one and we have these group calls that I just hadn't thought through that. And the group calls were incredible. I didn't anticipate how powerful the group calls would be. And that's where we have all the couples on the the Zoome call. And and they were all there. They were all there. They were all there.
[00:14:33] We back up a little bit. You don't know exactly what we're talking about. So we have a program called the Magnetic Marriage Program. It's a way for you to take your relationship from mediocre to magnetic if you were having any sort of communication issues around some of the hot topics, in-laws, intimacy, finances at
[00:14:56] Parents, politics, religion, parenting, everything.
[00:15:00] So if you're having these and if you're having small disagreements about scheduling and groceries and laundry and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, because we are humans with our own problems and perspectives. And when you bring a relationship dynamic to that, it maybe your relationship isn't about to fall apart, but you would like it to just be a little bit easier. We give you the tools to do that. And so what we've done is created this course. That's a six, six week course where we go through the fundamentals of how to have the foundational conversation tools, what we're going to talk about with the four pillars today. And we talk about a connected conversation, script or sex, which enables you to feel heard, be heard and hear the other person in a way they eat. Dude, I've been married for 11, 12 years, and I was learning things about my wife and the way she thinks that I had never even understood or considered. And she did the same thing about me. And I was like, wow, this this framework in this method allows me to be more connected to her and allows me to have more empathy. And and then we go into accountability. We go into how to live in your core energy, which we'll talk about on the third episode of this this podcast series. But all these things lead to you are there's no guidebook for how to be in a relationship, how to be a marriage. Should we assume that just because we're adults or just because we've been married for ten years and just because we've had kids together, just because we bought a house together, we should know this stuff. And there's no should you shouldn't already know this stuff. I thought I should know this stuff and I didn't. And then me and Tony got together and created this thing. I was like, oh, now I feel like I have an understanding about how to apply things.
[00:16:51] What I like what you said to when you were talking about. So we've got those high charged topics, but the people come into my office and they will talk about being frustrated and and they say, OK, what was the argument about or what was the disagreement about? And most of the time I'm not even talking about sometimes. Most of the time it's I don't even really remember because it's really not about the the argument. It's not it's people are frustrated because they don't know how to communicate. And ultimately, we want to be heard. We want to know our partner cares about us. And so that was where when Preston said, can you give me a document? Can you can you kind of give me these steps that the way to do this? And and I said, well, there are just just hear me out, Preston. Here they are. And then I tried to just create them. And so that's what's been pretty amazing, is that we do have the document. We do have the steps. And people still wanted to. Yeah, but the framework I mean, it's our human nature to say, well, yeah, but and boy, you know, Preston, talk about that where and again, I keep saying we're going to get to the four pillars and we really are. But I feel like even if you're about to listen to the four pillars and if you find yourself saying, well, yeah, but if these guys heard what my wife does, I mean, they would they would scrap these four pillars. And that's why I keep saying, no, this isn't optional. The four pillars aren't optional.
[00:18:02] Yes. It's not all a cart. It's not. Yeah. You know, I'll do this on, but not this one. But basically what it comes down to is everybody, including me, thinks that there are special flower things, that their relationships are different. And I was like, I would do the. Yeah, but no, but she said this now. But we're dealing with this thing in our relationship and stuff. And so this doesn't a. Someone have set this aside, and Tony is they go at no, you actually have to lean in more in in this situation. And so let's just get into it instead of talking about. We'll still get into.
[00:18:36] Yeah, right. So first pillar is pillar number one is it is the assumption of good intentions. This one is is this one alone. I mean, each one of these is it's not like we just had a bunch of a bunch of them and we just figured out these ones sound good. The four pillars are very intentional. First one is assuming good intentions. And what does that look like or what does that mean? It means to give somebody the benefit of the doubt or we were talking about this before we started recording. There's a reason why people say the things they do or why, whether it's why they withdraw, whether it's why they get angry, whether it's why they give somebody the silent treatment or whether it's why they come out, you know, kind of front loading. Well, you need to listen to this. And and there's a reason why and I think that can be so hard for people to understand in the especially in the current dynamic of, well, how could that how could there be a reason? How can I assume good intentions? And what was that what was that like for you?
[00:19:25] So for me, I think it's so important what a lot of people do in a relationship is don't even do it intentionally. It's subconscious. It's it's genuinely something that is on autopilot. Kind of like think about how you're driving a car. If you drove a car today or if you're driving a car right now, how much mental energy are you putting into, like shifting gears or pushing the blinker signal or, you know, adjusting the the air conditioner or something like that? You're not putting any energy or effort into that. It's just background noise. It's something that happens automatically because you've been doing it for so long in a relationship. What we do subconsciously is more often than not, we run everything to the filter of. Defensiveness, how do I protect my emotions in this in this moment, how do I make sure that I don't get further hurt or my my fragile ego doesn't get hurt? How do I make sure that I don't feel criticized? How do I make sure that I don't or that I do feel safe or something like this? And if you do that, which everybody does, what you are doing is you are saying, OK, we need to have a resolution in this conversation. You go first, you go ahead and lay all your cards on the table. I'm not going to show my cards. That's what's happening. Yes. When you and that leads to resentment. It leads to distance. It leads to cold energy in the relationship and and just or even just neutral energy in the relationship, which is.
[00:21:01] Works straight up because I say this like what's worse than getting divorced? Running a day care with somebody that you used to date. If you're just in a relationship and you're just you got kids and you're just kind of managing the household and we just we used to date and it was awesome. But now we're just like running this daycare together. That's worse than divorce. And so when you get to that point, it's because of these things that where you're not assuming good attention. So what does it mean to assume good intentions? It means just like what Tony said, man, give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that there's a reason now might not be a reason you agree with it might not be a reason that you feel that is valid to you, but it's a reason. And so if you start from that foundation or that pillar, then you allow yourself the opportunity to get connected and know this is a story. This happened yesterday. I was standing behind my wife in the kitchen. She was sitting on a stool and I was standing behind my wife and I was talking to my brother and my mom as we were having dinner. And I gestured toward the window to talk about how it was sunny out. It was weather. And I just I moved my hands toward the window, say, oh, look how sunny it is. And my finger caught her hair. The back of her hair caught a little snag and just curled. And I and I pulled her hair when I moved my fingers toward the Wynnum of my hand toward the window.
[00:22:30] Obviously, I didn't mean to do that, but. Our brains immediately go into this subconscious fight or flight mode, and she turned around and she looked at me with this look that said, why would you do that? Why would you hurt me? It was like that look like what the heck? But it only lasted for half a second, half a second because she saw my face and my face was like, oh, oh, man, look, I'm so sorry about that. I didn't mean to I didn't mean to clip your clip, your hair there. Are you OK? I'm sorry about that. And and she immediately kind of softened. She's like, oh man. Oops. And but what a small moment. It doesn't even register on anybody's, you know, like Horizon, so it doesn't register on anybody's radar as the word. But yeah, what it illustrates is that our initial reaction, initial subconscious immediate reaction is very often defensiveness and what the heck? And you shouldn't have done that. And that hurt my feelings or my hair, you know, and she's not a bad person. She's an amazing person. But that half a second we do this I do this so often in my life and in my relationship and in my everything. And it takes intentional, conscious effort. To shift it to man. Benefit of the doubt, there's a reason that they did that or set that and assume good intentions and let me at least explore that first before making a judgment so that. Yeah, so
[00:24:14] That's what no, that's I love that person. I got to tell you and I appreciate you sharing that. It's ironic yesterday. This is where I love that you're talking about. This happened yesterday. And here I've been married 30 years and and I had a similar thing happen as well. These are happening all the time. And that's why this framework is so important. I'm on to walk with my wife and she gives me, which we can talk about down the road. But she gave me a wonderful transparency statement where she said, Man, I want to say something. I worry that this might be hard for you to hear already. I'm you know, I appreciated the way she approached that because I'm thinking, oh, what what what big thing are we about to talk about it? That I do. And then she went on to talk about how we have a couple of kids that are graduating from things and kids that, you know, now the is kind of open and back up, that people are going to be traveling to places and doing things. And there's a lot of things that are about to happen and these things cost money. And so my wife wanted to bring up some additional things that would cost even more money. And and so then I just my first thought was, OK, I'm the most generous guy in the world, like, why would she be worrying about this? And so had I not assumed good intentions, I could have shut down right there and thought, really, am I not the nicest? I mean, do I not try to help everybody I can or that sort of thing? And though once I felt that once I heard her and I did have that assumption of good intentions and we'll talk about down the road a little bit here, asking more questions.
[00:25:29] She was worried about, you know, me overworking to take care of all the things that we needed to take care of. So, I mean, if I would have shut that thing down right away and said, OK, I don't even know why you brought this up. I mean, I'm a very generous person. And all of a sudden, like you say, that energy is off. All of a sudden, here comes the wedge in the relationship. But just by leading with that assumption of good intentions, then, you know, it just left me in this position to want to move on to the second pillar, which is absolutely you know, I couldn't tell her that she's wrong. She's putting out this because she lets me know, you know, she said, well, I just worried that you this might be stressful for you because we're talking about finances and you're working more and, you know, you already work a lot and this sort of thing. And so I couldn't jump in and say, OK, that's ridiculous. Really. That's what you're worried about, you know? And so that that one sets us perfectly up for two, which is not putting off the the message that you're wrong or I don't believe you need to talk more about that.
[00:26:26] So it's a really, really good story and illustration as well. The second pillar of the foundation, when you assume good attention, the second one is don't send the message you're wrong or I don't believe you. And we can do this again. It's just it's our initial reaction. Um, if somebody gives us a either a criticism or says something, that is it could be an observation. If it's incorrect, we want to inform them that it's incorrect. For example, your spouse says, man, you look tired. It's so easy to go. I'm not tired. Yeah, right. But what if you said, huh? Why do you think why do you think that? What is it? What do you see as what is in what do you see in. And it's harder to do man. It's harder. But it again, these four pillars set you up for connection and magnetism in your marriage. Magnetism is when you are both attracted to each other like a magnet, emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. All those elements are in place and you're you're drawn toward each other rather than if you flip a magnet around what happens, they are repelled away from each other.
[00:27:44] So, yeah, this person I love the eyes and say the so the example that that I'm given or it can be pretty obvious at times when we want to just say you're wrong or I disagree. But there's a subtle way that we say that you are wrong as well, which can even be through what feels like positive feedback, which I think that one is one that we saw in the course. You and I have talked a lot about this, but where people were surprised, I mean, I feel like,
[00:28:10] Yes, it's hard for us to have our spouse be feeling down or nervous or anxious. It's difficult for us as as a loving spouse because we're like, I don't want to see my or children to this works and championship to you don't want to see them in, quote unquote, negative emotions. And so it makes it uncomfortable for you. So somebody if your spouses and I'm really nervous about this, it's so easy to immediately say, no, man, you got this. Like, you can do this and you just immediately start bullying them up, which sounds great, but they don't feel heard. They don't feel hurt at all. So if this is so, here's the deal. Two and three, pillar two and three are very, very tied together. It's don't send the message you're wrong, because if I say I'm nervous about something, she says, you've got this. She immediately sends the message unintentionally, but the. You know, you're wrong, and so even though she's still telling me nice things, I feel like this little bit of defensiveness because I feel like it's our subconscious brain wants to defend our position, even if our position is something that is negatively impacting us. So if you're listening to this, do you ever do this? Do you ever want to feel sorry for yourself or do you want to feel that know this is difficult for me. Don't tell me this. I can do this because it is difficult and you defend that kind of victimhood position if you do that. But we this course is so helpful because it allows you a structure and a framework to get to the point where you can look at it from a different perspective and come out of it empowered. And the way you do this is by following pillar number three, which is questions before comments.
[00:30:03] So back to that one. That person gives the great example where somebody says, I'm nervous, I'm nervous about, I don't know, giving a talk. I'm nervous about speaking in front of a crowd. And your partner wants to say, no, you've got this. You've done it before. I've seen you. You're an amazing speaker again that is literally saying, hey, you're wrong. You in essence, they're here and you know what you're talking about. You'll do fine. So then it leads to that question for comment. So then it's, hey, tell me what you're nervous about. Tell me why you're nervous. There it is. Right. And it's and it really can be that simple to then get to those questions because it might be I have a I have a horrific stomachache. I didn't sleep all night last night. I don't know my subject material. And that's going to be a lot easier for somebody to empathize with and say, oh, man, OK, that would be hard. You know that I'm here for you, though. Yeah.
[00:30:49] So you have these these two that work in concert with each other. Don't send the message of your song after you've assumed good intentions and then ask questions. And now here's the cool thing. What do I ask? What do I say? This is a cool thing. This is a cool thing. Yes, of course. This is what I said to Tony. I said, I want to do this. I want to list this is what to say. This is what not to say. And so we over the last nine months have come up with a specific list of these are the things that you do not say. They are called lant landmine statements because you don't want to step on that landmine is going to blow the whole conversation up. And then here's some empathy questions. These are things that empathy questions and empathy statements that are going to show that you hear them and you're going to allow the conversation to move forward in a connected way. So so if you're asking yourself, cool story, President and Tony, how do I implement these things? Well, we have a 30 minute podcast here. But bottom line is, we have specific. Yeah. Like actionable structured frameworks for you inside the course that allow you to take these principles and implement them in your everyday life with your spouse when not if when there is a little bit of tension around finances, when there's a little bit of tension around holiday planning, when there is, you know, all these different types of things, it gives you these actionable things inside the course.
[00:32:26] And that's the value of investing in yourself and investing in your relationships so that you can put these things into practice. And so we created all these questions, all these statements about what to say, what not to say and order. There's literally an order of say this than say this or this. And I know that it might seem robotic, but it's not robotic. It's a framework. It it felt a little awkward when I did it with my wife. The very first time to have this conversation with literally with a piece of paper in front of us. And now it's something that we can do. Yeah, we did it the first couple of times with the paper in front of us. And now when we have these conversations and ask these questions in this way, it becomes a communication style and it feels fluid. And I really am grateful that we have implemented these type of communication principles and frameworks in our relationship, because now I feel like I have the tools to be able to do this. And that's what everybody in the course has been saying as well.
[00:33:35] Yeah, I have to tell you, I laughed a little bit, too, because when I can think of I'm going to gender stereotype here, but there was one guy in the course in particular, and I hear this all the time in my office where the guy will get really good at saying, tell me more about that, tell me more about that. And they'll look over and say, I don't have anything else, you know, so we've got the list of the things to say, the other things and say, oh, then tell me more about that. And I love what Preston say and where people will also say, well, I don't want to I don't want to have to rely on a paper. And and that's where we just say, oh, bless your heart. Like, that's OK. You know, you pull out the paper, do you want the marriage or do you want the. You want the connection, you want communication, or do you want to not have to pull out the paper? Well, will acknowledge that you may not want to pull out the paper, and that's OK. And then also, the thing that I think has been really fun about the course is I think you touched on this. I was speaking at an event just two or three weeks ago, and I was laying out the four pillars in a completely different concept. It was around people that were having really challenging conversations around particular one particular topic. And there was a couple in the audience that were saying, hey, I have used these four pillars and they really work. And they said, you know, I think that these could actually even be used just in your marriage in general.
[00:34:41] And I thought it was you are talking about something completely. Something else.
[00:34:44] Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I had and I've had a client just last week, another one that said, you know, I've been I've been doing this at home. And they said, what would that look like? Can I use these with my kids? And I thought, oh, my gosh, it's what you just said. It's a communication style. By all means. Please use these. You know, when people graduate from the magnetic marriage course, that does not mean that they are limited to only use the four pillars when having a conversation with their spouse. I mean, I find that I've already gotten some feedback from a participant of a course that said that they're implementing this in the workplace and that and and there was another one that I thought was one of the best comments of all was they said, hey, is it annoying to you now to see people not using the four pillars out in the wild? And I said and I just said, welcome to the club. You know, now that you are now that you have this information, it can really be frustrating to not use this. You are so aware of it. Would you agree? Yeah.
[00:35:33] I mean, I would never get annoyed at somebody else's behavior. So this is yes, it can be implemented in all these different areas. But we in this court specifically, we have geared it toward and kind of really put the language in the videos in the workplace and in the coaching calls to be able to have people use it specifically in their primary relationship. And it is so fascinating what transformations occur when you do tiny foundational tweaks, because it would be so easy for us to be like, OK, here's what to do, here's what to do, here's what to do, here's what to do. But what we're instead doing is we're saying, here's how to think. Here's how to think. Here's how to think. And if you think a different way, you end up acting a different way. And so we're offering people an opportunity to. If your relationship is working really, really, really, really, really well and you guys are on fire, then this course is not for you. This course is for people who are having a good relationship, but they want to make it great or they're, you know, just not clicking. They're just not clicking. And we want to be able to click that this is who it's for. And I know that there's a lot of people out there who are listening right now and they're thinking it's I don't want to admit to myself that my relationship is not the best it can be. But I also. It's not awful. Yeah, that's the sweet spot right there. Yeah. It's not awful, you know, like, you know, separated on the brink of everything falling apart. Right. And if you are in that position, my heart hurts for you. My parents got divorced and I know like that has affected my life a lot. And so I'm so sorry that that's where you're at. But if you're on this path. Where things have just kind of drifting and everybody knows what that means, drifting instead of being focused, and this is a really, really good place to start. And it's about and appreciate you sharing that you and your relationship
[00:37:49] Know it is. And I feel like I often see people the phrase kick the can down the road. I guess I've learned that not as many of the younger folks are knowing where I'm going with that one. But I feel like so many times people are kicking the can down the road and they're going to they'll work on the they'll work on their communication when they get a better job or when the kids are out of the house or when they have more time and don't. I mean, because you're missing just an incredible opportunity to connect right now, along along the way, throughout these things that are happening in life. Yeah, it's don't punt.
[00:38:18] Don't punt. Don't know. Don't say I'll deal with this later. Later. If this is something that. OK, I'll tell you this straight up there will never, ever be a time when things slow down. That's a lie that you're telling yourself? Yes, unless you are planning a wedding for your children, that is happening in three weeks. Yes, things will slow down in three weeks. But if you're not in that situation, things are not going to slow down straight up. Yeah, this is an opportunity for you to invest in yourself.
[00:38:51] So let's cover it. We didn't we didn't say we say we didn't have a fourth pillar. So it's fascinating. You can you can assume the good intentions. You can then not put out the vibe that you're wrong. You can even ask all the questions in the world and stay present and avoid landmines and be empathetic and all of these things. But then if the if your spouse maybe even says something that maybe isn't quite exactly what you want to hear, you can watch this fourth of the four pillars to stay present, to lean. Don't resort don't run back to your bunker because you will watch people get through the three pillars and all of a sudden pull the. You know what? No, you're right. I guess I'm just the world's worst husband, you know? And then all that work of those first three pillars comes crumbling down when we go into victim mode. And we want our partner to now go and rescue us and say, no, no, no, it's not a big deal. You're fine. I shouldn't I shouldn't have brought it up,
[00:39:36] You know, are they you do the first three pillars and you're being genuine about it. And they say something cutting or they literally turn away from you and that cold, cold. And then it's so easy to be like. Well, didn't work, yeah, I'm not going to keep, like, putting my heart out there and being vulnerable and leaning in if they're not. And so now shows they retreated to their bunker, so to speak. They got defensive emotionally, energetically. And so you're like, well, why would I stay out in the middle of the field if they're in their bunker? And so you retreat to yours as well. And now you're both in this situation where you're got walls up and defensiveness and you're waiting for the other person to. Exactly. To be vulnerable first. Good luck with that. And I'm saying I'm talking to myself. But what you've got to do is and it is difficult, you've got to lean in and be vulnerable, stay present in the conversation and in the relationship, even when and especially if they have gone to their defensive bunker. And and so how do you do that? Well, we have specific ways about going through this process emotionally. There's questions that you ask yourself and there's ways that you speak and say and talk to yourself and to them that set you up for a foundation of success. So these four pillars, which are assume good intentions, don't send the message the wrong questions before comments and and lean in, stay present and lean in. Those four things are the foundational pillars that hold up your relationship and the communication inside of it and. If you are asking yourself how those sound, good, but I don't understand how to implement them, which is where I was at for a long time. Yeah, then we have created a step by step process for you to implement those things inside of magnetic marriage.
[00:41:41] I want to commit to well well, I want to say real quick, a couple of weeks before I think it was the second of the last group coaching call. I mean, what I loved about interacting with people are people taking the course. I mean, we watched all kinds of vulnerability. I mean, that was fantastic to watch that literally happened on these calls. But I remember one thing in particular where we watched somebody kind of caught up and you could you could watch them wanting to run back to their bunker and they were struggling to stay present. And in essence, they were saying, hey, how do I stay present when my my reptilian brain, my amygdala is in fight or flight mode? How do I do this? And we had a we had a nice group conversation, and Preston and I go back and we break down some game film and and I just feel like there was there was no what am I trying to say? There was no you couldn't replace that moment. I feel like everybody on that call kind of felt that that couples' emotion and what this person was going through. And we had all these comments over on the side of everybody just saying thank you so much. And this is where I'm at in my relationship. And and I just felt like that that group unity that we had was it was it was doing a lot of the teaching in that moment, because I feel like if somebody one on one in their room are in their living room, it would be really easy to run back into the bunker. And I felt like that was just such a powerful moment, if you remember what I'm talking about.
[00:42:59] Do I do? Yeah. You talk about implementing this in the wild. This is what I always say. Like when people watch the videos and do the worksheets and then they're on the coaching calls with you and I inside of the course. Or if somebody in your office like or I mean, I'm a coach, I work with people. And so when people are talking to me about their relationships and their businesses and stuff like that and they're just life, it's so easy to do it in that moment. So I always say this is practice. This is not real life. Real life is when the call ends and you have to go into your house and there's your spouse and there's all this baggage, and what would it feel like guys would feel like to leave a call and then feel empowered walking into your house rather than defeated? That's what we're giving people, the opportunity to have tools and to have structure and to have a specific game plan. Emotional game plan, verbal plan, energetic game plan. So that so that you can have a connection with your spouse in conversations, in activities, in planning and just experiences, because you deserve to have a relationship that you look forward to every single day.
[00:44:30] Can you talk real quickly and then we'll hit accountability and then we'll get out of here? This is I feel like we could talk for days, but the value of the incremental growth, what was talk about that? Because I think this is important for people to hear.
[00:44:43] The incremental growth means small, small pieces, one percent movement instead of 100 percent movement, like hitting a single instead of hitting a home run, that kind of a deal and. I didn't see the value of that when I first began working with you and when we first began working together, and now I really understand that the goal is not to fix and solve everything with one conversation or with at the end of the course. It's like everything's not going to be like perfectly working out. Perfect, perfectly working out, probably, but. I mean, I had a I had a disagreement with my wife while we were traveling last just a couple of days ago, like for three or four days ago and. We were in the car for 10 hours and it was really interesting because in the past I would have like either gone into resentment or felt like we need to fix this now. And I realized that, oh, my gosh, what if I don't have to leave the conversation with everything fixed or solved or or I don't have to go into my bunker and be resentful about things. But what I did is I just said, OK, in this moment, it doesn't make any sense for me to harbor any judgment, harbor any resentment. And I'm talking about little minuscule things where you're like there's just cold energy left over. You know, when you wake up the next morning, there's, you know, everybody everybody knows what that feels like. And I didn't feel that because. Because I decided that I was going to take accountability and not blame this disagreement on her as I was like, oh, I, I had a huge role in this. And and then it turned into like, man, I want connection instead of being right.
[00:46:40] And I don't want to solve this right now. I want to have incremental growth. And the incremental growth right now for me is. At least not going to resentment, at least not going to judgment and going into accountability. And I said, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Like that was as I mean, please forgive me. This is what I'm committed to moving forward. And it turned into an opportunity for me to act like. And it didn't solve everything. We weren't like. Right. Happy forever at the end of a Hallmark movie like in that moment. But it just turned into I don't have to harbor any resentment. And it's just like we're we're at a great level. And that was incremental growth for me because. Now, it sets me up for moving forward and getting into happiness and magnetism over the next couple of days, and that's also another thing that is really important, is that it's it's not about getting into a happy state and then staying there forever. Relationship is going to have these ups and downs and these moments of connection and moments of disconnection. It's just this part of being in a relationship. And so the ability to navigate that with emotional maturity, that is what this course offers. And it's it's fun. It's hard. It's exciting. It's depressing. It's all the things at the same time, which is good news because it means that you're above ground, anybody above ground, you experience those things. And so we're alive. We're in relationships and we're human and we're moving forward and and yay, happy fun go time. Everything's great. And come on in. Come on into the magnetic marriage course, because these are some of the things that we teach inside.
[00:48:26] Yeah, absolutely. You want to give a quick we talked about accountability. You want to talk about that. I know I didn't give it enough time here. Preston. But the accountability piece was huge when we got the feedback after the course, there were there were a number of people that talked about that was a difficult part, but just something they didn't anticipate being a part of the course, but then was a huge part of the course.
[00:48:46] So bottom line is. If you are blaming people. In your life, you are disempowered. And one of the people that we blame the most besides ourselves is our spouse. And I'm not talking about taking the blame, I'm talking about removing the word blame from your vocabulary, removing the word fault from your vocabulary and going into. Taking accountability for your role and allowing them to have accountability for theirs, which empowers you and empowers me to be able to take more control of my emotions and how I choose to show up in the relationship. So we have a whole process about the four steps of accountability, which isn't fun, but oh my goodness, it was a game changer for me, a game changer for you, game changer for a lot of the people in our course, because it's about empowerment, emotional empowerment. What would it feel like for you to be able to have a conversation, have a disagreement, or even have a circumstance that had nothing to do with you, nothing to do with you? You just happened to be there and that circumstance happened, right. And then all of a sudden you're able to process it in in an emotionally mature and accountable way that that leaves you empowered instead of resentful and complaining. It releases it removes complaining from your life and replaces it with perspective. And so if you're ready to stop complaining and you're ready to shift your perspective into empowerment, this is one of the most difficult and most effective ways to do it. And in a relationship, it is probably the number one thing that that I use to be able to create magnetism in my marriage. And when I do it successfully, I mean, I've been working this specific method for 10 years. And when I do it successfully, things work when I do it unsuccessfully, or what that means is I get prideful and don't do it. When I do that, then things move into the downward part of the roller coaster. And so. It's a it really is phenomenal to have access to tools.
[00:51:13] And and I appreciate the way you just said that to you were very open when we would joke about the Yabut, you know, you get a couple of Yabut down the road. Yeah, but this. Yeah, but that and I feel like you would always find a way to kind of get into your core energy and just say, you know what, I'm this isn't I'm I need to get into accountability mode or whatever, how you would put that right. And there's a part in the course that I won't give away. But Preston had me bring something that I was I've been harboring a lot of resentment around for. It's a it's been a few years and I am not I'm not belittling this. I'm not I'm this is my honest truth is that Preston had me walk through this situation that I've been involved in, that I was harboring a lot of resentment for and just even being able to talk about it. It it made my blood boil. It got me frustrated and angry. I mean, I wanted to write a whole book about how I had been the injustice of the situation. I haven't talked about it at all. I guess I was I and I did. I want to do a whole I haven't done a podcast on it because I was worried that I would just get too angry and within, I don't know, 10, 15 minutes of the exercise.
[00:52:19] Then it really was odd how the it's gone. And I really mean that. I can recall it right this very second. And I it's whatever it's no big deal. It isn't. And it was so nice to kind of let that go and to see that happen in people's relationships and marriages, because there are so many times where people bring the thing, whatever that thing is, here it comes again, rearing its ugly head. And this is I'm going on a little tangent, but, hey, this is my show right here. Preston, I got to tell you what I loved about having the the therapist and the the the life coach duo, which was so fun about this is I could I could sit there and try to, you know, psychology around the oh, it's coming up right now because, you know, the person's afraid of we're getting into this new territory or they're you know, something comes up from the past because but wait, this was never dealt with or those sort of things. And I felt like that accountability module, Preston was able to come in and just really put a nice framework around that as well.
[00:53:16] And and for the sake of our course, which at first I just thought it was going to be for the sake of the course. But it's for the sake of your marriage being able to really get past some things that are very, very difficult and then be able to now use these four pillars to communicate about anything. So, you know, if you're listening right now and you're saying, OK, I would love to have this framework, but there's been a lot of damage that's been done in the relationship. And and I worry that we won't get to some of that. And I feel like this accountability module really does address a lot of the a lot of the big hurts that that we were that we experience in marriage that we don't even know. You know, a lot of us are kids. We don't know what to do in certain situations, and we don't handle it. Right. We'll acknowledge that. But then when we bring it up or weaponize it or use it against our partner, a lot of times that is the core of why we're stuck and can't even get to these conversations. That would be. Yeah.
[00:54:04] So what it does is it allows you to go like putting bumpers on a bowling lane. Right. Like it it gives you this framework and structure to be able to have the conversation without having a gutter ball. It doesn't mean you're going to get a strike. Every time I love analogies, I say sometimes
[00:54:26] Know it's good.
[00:54:28] But what it does is it allows you an opportunity to process painful things. And it doesn't mean that they weren't painful, but it means that you are an emotionally mature person in a relationship who is going to, as Jennifer Finlayson says, metabolize the discomfort. You process it rather than avoid it. And it's freeing. Oh, my gosh. It's freeing.
[00:54:56] It really is they love that you brought up Jennifer's comment there, too, I feel like we really got we touched a lot in the course about the concept of tension versus contention. And that one that one taught me a lot, Preston, from the course itself, of being able to recognize that Now, I almost look forward to OK, hey, tell me your thoughts around this to my wife. That might bring some tension.
[00:55:33] Tension happens when there's two different people having two different brains and two different life experiences, two different families of origin, two different personalities. As far as like if you're into Enneagram or Myers, Briggs or some like that, two different people who choose to be together. If you agree with everything that your spouse says that is boring, I mean, does it have positive tension that leads to, yeah, differentiation where you're two different people who are not obligated to be together, but you choose to be together and that's the goal. And, yeah, it's all right.
[00:56:13] It's a simple up and then go go right now, go to Tony Overbay, dotcom magnetic and and you will be hearing so much more about the second round of the magnetic marriage course. And I hope you can sense the excitement that Preston and I have on our voices. It really did go better than anything I ever anticipated we would talk about at the end of these group calls. And I would say, Tony, anything to add. And sometimes I just felt like over overcome with emotion. I really felt like I can't believe that this we had this course that we put together and people are communicating about things they never had communicated about before. And we're getting this feedback that people are now feeling more connected in their relationships than their marriages and implement it with their kids. And I mean, just from from putting this course together. So if you are resonating with anything that we're saying today, the very at the very least go to Tony Overbay dot com slash magnetic and sign up to find out more about this second launch.
[00:57:06] Preston, beautiful. All right. We're doing this in April. Hop on, hop on and stay tuned for next week and the week after that for part two and part three of this series where we give you more insight into how you can show up to create a Magnequench
[00:57:22] Perfect pregnancy and part two of three.